some of those points awarded to Gryffindor were bullshit.

people might think you're just testing whistles.

Now you have the option of voting for my hat.

Now I don't know where to keep my stuff, might have to go to the box store.

And now I have no idea where I am.

they don't know whether to get right to work or stay 100 feet away.

If you want to be beautiful, cut out that eye and use it to make an exfoliating moisturizer.

Otherwise the name might be embarrassing.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever talk about race. Unless the race is a marathon. And then, try not to brag.

but I can't think of anything.

Might as well teach them some tricks.

Like he wasn't at the parole hearing.

When you are assured that everything is fine because "It's water under the bridge," remember that the water may contain piranha, electric eels, sharks, alligators, and/or used syringes, and no one has checked the structural integrity of the bridge in a long, long time. Also, recently someone has been pushing people over the side.

Put the milk back in the refrigerator.

unless you're an arsonist.

And even then, not more than 10%, because they're just gonna spend it on grass.

He made a very nice living. His novel Infinite Jest sold lots of copies.

I know, I know. It's delicious. But that's just too much peanut butter.

As soon as you say, "It goes without saying," it no longer does.

With pillows. Okay, maybe take some pics.

actual size and perfectly positioned, so no one else will know I have a tattoo at all. But I'll know, and that's why I'll be smiling.

Then the nation would take the cooties epidemic seriously. Also, no homework, and candy for breakfast. Democracy, people!

Some of them are pretty happy.

#pressthepoundkey

Big words from a guy who couldn't even remember your birthday.

They already have it left over from the gluten-free customers.

Ragweed is such an asshole.

We might like it.

Why have separate categories for male and female actors? I understand why men and women don't compete against each other in the hundred-yard dash or boxing, but why are they separated in acting? If you win the Best Actress Oscar, does it mean that you did a pretty good job of acting, for a broad?

I recently saw someone promoting a protest shirt with text that read: Don't spread my wealth, spread my work ethic.

I believe that I have improved on this sentiment, and present my original phrasing on the shirt below.

Kids these days.

I had a nightmare that someone remixed and combined the theme to The Big Bang Theory, “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” “Subterranean Homesick Blues,” and “It’s the End of the World as We Know it” into one 10-minute song with 40,000 words that covered everything that ever happened or ever will and threw in more cultural references than anyone could count.

The song promptly went to #1. Then the Earth exploded.

haven't spent an afternoon locked in a crawlspace.

just wish the surveying would stop.

I have a lifetime subscription.

Especially if you're trying to prove that you've made pudding.

has a chance of being called Bob.

but only if you have good aim.

is a messed up thing to write on a get-well card.

some people will tell you it's too soon.

Stop hitting me with War and Peace!

And slim just got run over by a steamroller. That's how he got his name.

That's why so little light is let in.

but remember that the percentages are also playing you.

It smells even worse than I expected.

Or maybe he should have tried out for American Idol. Lazy.

The rest of the time, I'm sure.

Gave me a flu shot even though I specifically requested an anti-flu shot.

Another 30-50 years and it'll all be over.

Next Tuesday.

What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? Whenever you have time to get around to it, if it's not too much trouble. Sorry to bother you.

What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? Why are you asking so many questions?

but people seem to like it anyway.

the best you can hope for is a casual chat about whether or not to have hot dogs for lunch.

They had a lot in common. For example, singing.

Or don't. I'm really not sure.

just call it pineapple salad.

But inside what?

it's impolite to withhold it from them.

the one-eyed man still bumps into things.

Captain Picard might have liked other kinds of tea if he had given them a chance.

"We don't have any idea what we're doing. The computer models spit out some data and we just guess at what it means. We don't know if it's going to rain, or snow, or miss you entirely. But we have very cool graphics and can tell you the same non-information six different ways. Also, we're usually attractive and have toned arms that look good on television when we wear sleeveless outfits, which is always, unless we're a man."

A ketchup tsunami would be tragic and take many lives. But mostly because of the high sodium content. Also, the laundry bill would be enormous.

2013: $396 billion

1973

Commence the annual washing of the nether regions. Your chances are nearly 50% tonight.

When they do, we can only hope we listened to the fear-mongers and drained the water from our swimming pools.

It's about butter.

Kid raises hand. "Um, Coach, we're trying to win a gymnastics meet..."

but don't expect other people to pick up their poop.

who hated poets.

don't realize just how humid the small stuff is.

This tiny robot fan I programmed to drill into your skull.

I would win every argument at the straws factory.

and the problem was the baby.

just as I have foreseen.

that doesn't mean you have to be a pig.

That's why it's safer to only skim.

But he shouldn't shove it down his throat.

but lots of people seem to prefer big speakers.

Then grope his face for that sculpture you're working on.

don't quit chewing. Remember, a lot of hungry people can only dream about biting off more than they can chew. [make into motivational poster with photo of kitten clinging to branch]

Get over yourself. You'd let me do that? Why would I walk myself to death and fall down at the door of a person who cares so little for my well-being? You could at least send me a bus ticket or something.

In unrelated news, 1 out of 4 kids is fucking exhausted

My least favorite is ennui-pesto. Also not a big fan of mustard gas.

die by the guy who remembered to sharpen his.

Abandon all hope.

It will be filed with the others

I don't care who knows it. I really hate them.

your new owners will have no idea what size pants you wear.

I just don't understand it. Sometimes I almost give up all hope. Everywhere I look, chaos.

Today the drawer is full of forks and spoons, but there isn't a single knife. Not one. It doesn't make any sense.

Oh, wait, now I remember--bagels and cream cheese. Whew! All is fine. Carry on.

Hey, lighten up, man. It's just a game. Even good major league players only get a hit 3 out of every 10 tries.

Too many choices.

"With all due respect" is usually followed by something disrespectful.

I don't like them.

Yeast infections.

(Just trying to get a rise out of you.)